Introduction

Recently I wrote an article reflecting on orphan care and some of the realities of families that minister to children who have been orphaned in one way or another; you can find that article here.  Following up on that idea, I would like to come back to this topic and share some practical tips and suggestions for relating to families that minister to kids from hard places.  Parenting kids from hard places is not easy.  It is often physically draining and emotionally taxing.  Few who have not lived this type of ministry really understand the lifestyle adjustment it takes to minister to foster or adopted children.  Stepping into this world can be difficult for outsiders if they do not have the right lens through which to view foster and adoptive families.  Sometimes, well-meaning people can be a little rude or insensitive in how they approach families that have fostered or adopted children.  While such individuals may have the noblest of intentions, they often lack tact and skill when seeking to relate to foster/adopted children or their families.  The result is often strained relationships or internal frustration.  With this in mind, I would like to offer five cautions concerning how to relate to foster/adopted children and their families and hint at five alternatives if you find yourself deficient in some of these areas.       

1. Do not make assumptions

People like to make assumptions.  Sometimes assumptions can be good, while other times they can be bad.  People make assumptions all the time about children from hard places or the families that care for them.  Oftentimes, they make assumptions about things they really have no way of knowing.  I have had several of those conversations, where people look at our kids and make assumptions.  Sometimes they see our kids playing in the grass happily, laughing and smiling, and say something like “look at that, such a well-adjusted family, you would never even know about their history.”  While I understand the intent of those who say such things, they really have no way of knowing our family struggles; they are making assumptions.  Sometimes, I want to respond with a sarcastic “you should see us at home” or “if only you knew!”  Oftentimes people have no idea what issues or struggles foster or adoptive families are facing.  They assume that because the little bit they see looks good on the outside, everything must be good on the inside.  This is often not the case!  Beneath the facade of love and happiness may lie many deep struggles of which most are unaware.  Do not make the assumption that things are good, the family is well, and parent/child relationships are as they should be; many times they are just the opposite.  The blend of family histories, an unstable past, and relational hurt all bring many unique elements to these families, and such issues are not always observable at the surface level.  Rather than assuming that everything is ok, consider asking a helpful question, like “how can I pray for your family this week” or “how has God been growing you as a parent.”  You may be surprised by what you will learn!    

2. Do not ask weird or awkward questions 

Weird or awkward questions are part of the territory that foster/adoptive parents and their children have learned to live with, and each family has had its share of these questions.  From the bold question of “are your kids adopted” to the more subtle “oh, are they yours,” foster and adoptive parents have heard it all.  We have experienced this in our family many times.  Since three of our kids are half black, we are hard not to notice; I get it.  Sometimes we try to think of creative ways to answer awkward questions; we have come up with several.  The polygamous cult answer—“oh, they’re from my other spouse.”  The freak of nature answer—“no they are not adopted, that is just how they turned out, pretty cool huh?”  Or the sob story answer—“they were from my first marriage and my spouse died 2 years ago” (bursting into tears).  I should note that we have never actually used any of these, but boy have we been tempted!  People just seem to ask the most awkward questions.  One time I had an elderly lady lean over to me after church, asking where our eldest was from.  I knew what she was hinting at, and I was not going to play her game on this day, so I just told her the town where we live.  She said, “no, where is his family from?”  I told her they are Minnesotans, which they are.  She kept pressing, and I finally had to tell her that all his family was born in the United States, and he was indeed American by birth, as were his parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and probably many generations beyond.  She was convinced, due to a certain pigment she recognized in his skin, that he was from a specific country in Africa she had heard about.  AWKWARD!  We do our best to answer questions, but sometimes it would just be nice if people tried to get to know a family like ours as you would any other family; our story will come out eventually.  Rather than ask us awkward questions that make us uncomfortable, take some time to get to know us as people.  You will eventually have your questions answered, and you may even build a relationship along the way.            

3. Do not ask about the past

People like a good story.  Of special interest are deep, dark stories that have happy endings.  The stories of kids from hard places meet all those criteria: they are deep, they are dark, and they have happy endings, or at least appear to.  I say appear to have happy endings because many of them actually do not have happy endings, and it is not uncommon for adopted children who reach adulthood to have a strained relationship with their adopted parents; but that is a story for another day.  Foster and adoptive parents get a lot of questions about their children’s past.  Some of them are general, some of them specific, but nearly all of them are none of your business.  When it comes to kids from hard places, people often feel like they have the right to information.  “What happened with their mom?  Do they still see their parents?  Did they ever have drugs or alcohol in their system?  Were they sexually abused?”  I could list many more, and we have heard almost all of them in one way, shape, or form.  Call it American entitlement or whatever, but people just expect you to answer their questions about the past.  This is where it becomes difficult because since they believe they are entitled to an answer, you are offending them by not giving one.  But who determined you have a right to know the inner secrets of our kid’s past?  In our family, we are very protective of our children’s past, and we are protective for a few reasons.  First, people do not keep secrets.  We tell one person in confidence in a small prayer meeting and soon the entire church knows!  The greater reason is that in many cases, our kids do not even know about their past.  They were too young, or too traumatized to remember everything that happened in their past.  Part of our shepherding of them as they get older and start asking questions is to give them more and more of their story.  Do we want someone, who has no business knowing anyway, to know intimate details about the past of our kids that they themselves may not even know?  Absolutely not!  We also do not openly share details about our kid’s past simply because it is not our story to tell.  Really, it is their story.  They should get to decide what they want people to know and whom they can trust with that information.  Therefore, we are very reserved with whom we share and what, because we want our children to hear it first and then determine who can know.  I should also note that if we are talking about foster kids, foster parents have strict guidelines about what they can or cannot say, and they legally may only be able to share very little.  Rather than asking for intimate details about our kid’s past, just love them as they are; some secrets are best left untold. 

4. Do not offer help unless you have a plan

Someone, I do not know who, said that “everyone wants to be known and needed.”  I have found this to be true—especially the needed part.  People want to know that you need them and that they have something to offer that could be of value.  From time to time we have people say to us: “let me know if there is anything I can do!”  While we appreciate the sentiment, we struggle with what to do with that.  Did they really mean it?  What level of “help” are they willing to offer?  Is this the “call me in an emergency and there is nowhere else you can turn” type of help or the “let me watch your kids so you can have a date” type of help?  Not all “help” is the same, and honestly, not everyone would really be able to handle the latter type of help.  So, we are left to wonder—what type of help did they have in mind?  To tell the truth, sometimes we do not even know what type of help we need.  Families who invest in orphan care often have so many struggles in their homes that they do not even know where to begin to ask for help!  So let me offer some insider tips: first, do not offer help unless you are truly willing, and second, go ahead and make an offer.  Do not just say “let me know if I can help;” just create a plan with something you are willing to do and execute it.  Recently, someone did this for us.  They simply said, “we want to schedule a night and we will watch the kids so you two can go on a date.”  Drop . . . the . . . mic!  What a blessing that was to us to have someone think of us in that way and just execute a plan!  I think those who know families with adoptive or foster kids can learn a lesson from this.  Rather than giving an open-ended offer for help, just make a plan and do it.      

5. Do not assume we have a shared experience

People like to share their experiences.  Many times, it brings a “feel good” factor to be able to say “oh, I experienced that, and this is what I did.”  I agree that this “sharing of sage wisdom” works great for grandma’s secret recipe for an upset stomach or Uncle Gene’s study methods guaranteed to get an A+.  But this simply does not work for kids from hard places.  Why?  Because kids who have been in orphanages, through the foster care system, and have been adopted amidst trauma are “special needs” children, and most parents do not have special needs kids.  Many would not presume to give parenting advice to struggling parents who have a child with another, more obvious special needs condition, so why would you presume to know how to parent kids who have experiences like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, were born addicted to opioids, were physically or sexually abused, have sensory processing disorders, PTSD, or any number of other issues that are typical of kids who come from hard places?  We have experienced many of the above issues with kids we have had in our home over the years, and these are extremely difficult waters to navigate!  So when you come to us and say “oh, my Johnny went through that when he was four, and here is what you need to do,” it really is not helpful because your Johnny did not have special needs, addictions, or trauma that affect his cognitive and emotional development.  Kids who have come from hard places bring with them some exceptional circumstances that are hard for others to understand if they have not been trained or have never cared for children from similar backgrounds.  The effects of these types of traumas on the brain can place devastating impacts on children and leave them all twisted up inside.  Many times, they have had to learn skills beyond their years in order to survive, and these are not easily unlearned.  It is not uncommon to have a ten-year-old with the street smarts of an eighteen-year-old and the emotional maturity of a five-year-old all bundled into one; it is quite the combination!  This does not mean you cannot help, relate to, or support foster/adoptive families.  What it does mean is that we probably do not have a shared experience with children, because there is always an added factor with kids from hard places, and in many cases, there is no comparison.  Rather than trying to share your experience, just try to listen, learn, and love us through the process of shepherding our kids.

Final Thoughts

These are not easy lessons to learn.  Oftentimes our human curiosity and desire to help others can cause awkward interactions with foster and adoptive families.  We need to learn to be sensitive.  Sometimes we must bite our tongues and bide our time.  Colossians 4:6 reminds us: Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt so that you will know how you should respond to each person.  Each conversation and interaction in our lives takes a unique element of tact and grace, and foster/adoptive families are no different.  Children who have experienced foster care or adoption have had so much taken from them in their young lives.  Let us ponder how we may step into their lives, not with idle curiosity, self-serving questions, or unlearned assumptions, but with the love of Jesus that seeks only their best above all else!