Introduction

What would you do for your family? Let me flip the question around—what wouldn’t you do for your family? We all have people we care about. It could be a spouse—a husband or wife. It could be your children, or perhaps your grandchildren. Maybe for you it’s a parent—a mom or dad. Or an Aunt or Uncle, cousin, niece or nephew. We all have people that we care about—right? What wouldn’t we do for them? I think in most cases the answer is nothing. There is nothing we wouldn’t do for them. We would lay down our life, if need be, to protect the family members that we care about.

I remember one time years ago Emily and I woke up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and thought someone is in our apartment. Now I don’t know why I thought this—we lived in an apartment complex, so by default there’s a lot of witnesses to any sort of criminal behaviour. We were on the third floor, so unless a criminal carried with him an extension ladder he couldn’t really get in any of the windows. On top of that, our front door knob had a lock on it, we had a deadbolt above that, and above that we had a chain latch, and all three are locked at night. No one is breaking in our apartment while we are sleeping unless they break down the door. But we heard something thought “someone’s in the house.” So the protector instinct inside of me said “I need to go out there and see what’s going on.” I didn’t know it at the time, but it was just something falling in our closet. But I happened to have an 18 inch bowie knife under our bed at the time, and forever etched in my wife’s memory is me sneaking around the apartment in my pajamas with an 18 inch bowie knife looking for someone who just may have broken into our apartment. What wouldn’t we do for our family? We would do anything for them, because we love them and care about them.

In our text this morning, Ephesians chapter 4, as we think about relentlessly forward relationships, the Apostle Paul talks about our relationship with another family—our spiritual family. Just like we would do anything for our physical family, God would do anything for His family. In fact, He did. He gave the life of His Son for His children, and so He paid the ultimate price to show His love to us. And so in this passage Paul talks about our Christian family. He tells us how we are to relate to one another as believers. Since God paid the ultimate price for us, He cares about how we treat our fellow believers. He is concerned about our church relationships. And in this passage, Paul gives us one very important truth for our lives and for our church.

Big idea: believers must act like a family

Illustration: often times we can get in the habit of viewing the church as a refuge—a haven (and it is in a sense). But we can easily think that as long as we’re here we’re good. God only cares about what I do outside these walls. I go here to get built up and receive instruction so that I can go outside of these walls and be what I’m meant to be. But this isn’t exactly true. Because God is very concerned about what you do inside these walls as well. He is concerned about how you treat other believers. In this text Paul gives us 5 pillars of godly church relations. Because God cares about how we relate to one another, Paul tells us five characteristics that should mark our relationships as a church. Let’s read the passage together—

Ephesians 4:25–32 NASB95

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

If we take the time to look back at some context of what Paul has said before our text, notice verse 21-24. Paul gives this discussion about what we were before salvation, and what we are to be after salvation. He says we are to put off the former manner of life, and be renewed in our minds, and put on what he calls the new man. He says there is to be a transformation at our salvation. We’re not supposed to be who we used to be.

This brings us to verse 25. Here Paul takes this idea of the old self, renewed in the mind, and new self and directs it very pointedly to church relations. You see, the church at Ephesus apparently had some problems. They had a bunch of Jews, and a bunch of Gentiles in their church. Now we don’t have these divisions today, but this might be like taking a bunch of Vikings fans, and a bunch of Packers fans, and putting them in the same church and making them sit together in the same row. This was a difficult thing for them to get along, because to the Jews, Gentiles were unclean. They did unclean things and ate unclean food. So Paul talks about the change that should happen when we believe in Christ, and he focuses this in on how we relate to one another as believers. And Paul tells us how to act like family by giving us the first of 5 pillars of the Christian family:

1) Honesty (vs. 25)

Explanation: first of all, honesty. We must be marked by honesty. Because our relationship with Christ changes us, we need to be honest.

a. Absence of falsehood (lying)

Because of this, Paul begins by saying in verse 25 lay aside falsehood. Each one of these pillars has a positive and negative, and he tells us the negative here first—lay aside falsehood. Our lives must be marked by the absence of falsehood. This is lying. This is the distortion of the truth. This is deceit.

Explanation: There’s a lot of deception in churches today of various kinds. Could be that untruth that you told about someone else, you twisted the narrative to make it a little more juicy, or you spread that word of gossip that you didn’t really see happen yourself, but you believe the person who did so you’re going to share something that you are unable to verify as true.  You can lie with your lifestyle—hiding in plain sight.  You look the part but nobody really knows you.
 There’s a lot of people who come in our churches and claim to be believers and aren’t really. They want nothing to do with God. They’re just coming to make themselves feel better about themselves, or to fit a part. There may be some people here today who are just pretending—maybe you’re trying to tell people you’re a true believer but in reality, you want nothing to do with God.

 There are many other ways we can lie as well.  But Paul says “don’t do that! Don’t deceive one another—speak truth!” Maybe honesty for you needs to be in the area of honesty about our sin.

b. Presence of truth

Explanation: Continuing on, Paul gives the opposite of this—we must be marked by truth. This is the mark of a true believer—you speak truth. You are honest. You put off all falsehood. Our relationships with other believers are to be marked by honesty, and this implies the presence of truth.

Notice he says “because you are members of one another.” This is our motivation. We work together as the body of Christ—we are a family!  And when we lie to each other or deceive another believer, it is a malfunction in the family. 

Illustration: The idea Paul is trying to get across here is quite vivid. What if you went to brush your teeth and your body somehow malfunctioned and you poked your eye out with your toothbrush? That would be a malfunction, right? Something went wrong and it hurts us. That’s the idea here, and that’s what it’s like for us to be dishonest with other believers. It’s a malfunction, and it ultimately hurts us, because we are members of the same body. We need to be honest with one another.

Paul says we need to be honest. We need to be marked by truth. We need to be people of truthfulness. How are you doing here? Are your church relationships marked by the absence of falsehood and presence of truth? Do you strive for genuine, open, honest relationships with those of this body?

Life Principle: Be Honest

Big idea: believers must act like a family

2) Passion (vs. 26-27)

There’s a second pillar of the Christian family—it’s passion. In certain occasions it is appropriate to be zealous or angry, as long as it’s anger over the right things.

a. Godly anger

Explanation: Paul tells us what that looks like. Paul says in the beginning of verse 26  be angry. There appears to be a type of righteous anger that is appropriate. This is the type of anger Christ practiced when He threw the money changers out of the temple. He was zealous for God, and for His things. It is anger at sin, injustice, the affects of sin in a fallen world.

Application: Do you get angry at sin? Do you ever watch the news at night, or read the paper in the morning, or scroll down on your home page and get upset at the sin in the world? I mean, not “awe that’s so horrible he would do that to her.” That’s not really what we’re talking about. I’m talking about a genuine hatred for the sins of the flesh and the fact that they violate a holy God. Paul says it’s ok to get upset over those things.

b. Without sin

Explanation: but Paul gives a qualifier in our passage—don’t sin. He says be angry, but don’t sin. Christ didn’t sin when He was angry. And we are to be angry without sinning. That means it’s ok to be upset at the sin you see in the world today, but it’s not ok to yell at your spouse. It’s ok to be upset when God’s holiness is violated, but it’s not ok to be upset when someone pulls out in front of you on the highway—you know, you want to lay on the horn and yell crazy driver. It’s ok to be upset and saddened and hurt when your teenager lies to you, but it’s not ok to be angry and blow up when they back the car into a curb they didn’t see, or you forget to take dinner out of the oven and supper is burnt. We need to have righteous anger, not unrighteous. We need to express holy zeal over sin.

Explanation: Now notice, Paul says don’t let the sun go down on your wrath and do not give place to the devil.  

Life Principle: Keep current

This is a good measurement of the type of anger you have. If you can get upset at someone for offending a holy God and forget about it a little later, or lay your head down at night in peace, then it may be righteous anger. But if you steam about something all day and lay down on your pillow at night, and wake up the next morning and say “I can’t believe they did that” then you’ve opened yourself up to the devil. This is so important, because we love to hold onto things, don’t we?  That opens us up to the devil.  How does it do that? it does that because the longer we go without taking care of this, it allows bitterness to set in.  And bitterness freezes us in time.  We think it’s the other person that we’re mad at but in doing so we’re ruining ourselves.

We must practice righteous anger. We must be angry at sin, but not sin in our anger. This is how Christ should affect the way we treat other believers. Is this you? What’s your anger like toward other believers? Is it “oh, I’m so torn up that they made that bad choice to sin against God?” Or is it “how could they do that to me! Why won’t they listen! Why didn’t they do that instead!” What’s your attitude when it comes to treating other believers? Is it marked by a zeal for God’s name and character, or is it marked by anger over things that didn’t go your way?  And this is hard, isn’t it?  The interesting thing about these pillars Paul gives us is that though they are given to the church, they apply to all relationships.  How about your other relationships?  This is hard?  Especially in a home like mine, where you have young kids.  Sometimes I wonder—how can someone so small bring an emotion out of me that is so big?  We need to have the right type of passion. 

Big idea: believers must act like a family

3) Integrity (vs. 28)

There’s a third pillar of godly church relations: integrity. We must have integrity within our relationships with one another. As Paul continues here he talk about how we treat one another. Sad to say, sometimes the way we treat others in the church is very poor. We have a lack of integrity in our relationships. Rather than minister to others, we want to serves ourselves. Paul addresses this specifically in our text.

a. Do not steal

Explanation: He begins by saying do not steal. He says let him that stole, steal no more. I don’t know the exact situation in mind here, but apparently this was a problem in the early church. This can be a temptation today—to take something that doesn’t belong to you. Maybe You can relate to this—you have these desires to take things that aren’t yours.

Application: There are other forms of stealing. Could be stealing money from your dad’s wallet, taking a piece of candy from the store, not giving someone what they deserve and cheating them out of it, not taking the money back when the clerk gives you the wrong change. Cheating on your tax return. Taking credit for something you didn’t do. Taking extra time on your breaks at work, or texting when you’re supposed to be working. These are all forms of stealing. We must practice integrity, especially in the church!  Paul says people of God are to be marked by integrity, and they don’t steal!

b. Hard work

Explanation: Paul says the solution to stealing is to work hard with your hands. This is what we are to do. Don’t steal; work hard. This is the solution. Do things for yourselves. Work for your own provision. Be a person of integrity.

Purpose: Generosity

Explanation: But Paul continues. He gives us an incredible purpose for not stealing and working hard: generosity. The end goal is generosity. This is a change of mind—that you are no longer thinking of yourself and your stuff, but you are giving to others. This is what integrity is to look like in the church. We are to Give to others, not seek what others have.

Life Principle: Seek the good of others before your own

Application: How are you giving to others? What generous work are you doing for the believers in this body? Or are you hoarding your money and saving for your stuff? I’m reminded of what Luke wrote about the early church in Acts chapter 2. Acts 2:44-45: And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. This is the mark of true Christian fellowship. This is how believers ought to treat one another. This is why on a monthly basis we take an offering for the deacons fund. We need to treat one another with integrity because God cares about how I treat other believers.

Big idea: believers must act like a family

4) Edification (vs. 29-30)

Explanation: There’s a fourth pillar of the Christian family—edification. We need to be a people of edification. People who encourage.

Nobody likes to be torn down by someone else, especially another believer. It can be devastating when we find that someone is saying things, destructive words about us that we cannot control. So Paul addresses this in the text and he expands on this idea in verses 29-30.

a. Don’t tear down (corrupt speech)

Explanation: Paul says let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth. He basically says don’t tear people down; don’t tear other believers down with your words. Words can be extremely powerful. What you say to someone can truly, genuinely hurt them. You’ve heard the phrase I’m sure “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Not true! Our speech can tear people down. It can injure them deeply on the inside. Paul says don’t use corrupt speech.

Application: there’s a lot of corrupt speech going on in churches today. There’s a lot of people who want to push their agenda and want to tear those down who disagree with them. There’s a lot of complaining and cutting remarks towards others, even towards leadership. Paul says this isn’t the way it’s supposed to me! We aren’t supposed to treat one another in this manner! Paul says “don’t tear down!”

b. Only build up

Explanation: He says only build up. But only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. There is an appropriate use of our speech opposite to tearing down—building up. Use speech that edifies. That ministers grace to those who hear. Our words are to benefit those to whom we speak them. Our words are to build them up and help them in their spiritual walk.

Illustration: I think I mentioned before how I used to work in the construction industry. When you build concrete buildings where each floor is made of concrete, there’s a very special way to do that. You have special concrete shoring poles that you use to do the job.  The way this works is you would create a temporary floor with plywood, and special decking and metal beams, and they would be held up by these shoring posts. You could then pour the concrete floor on top of this temporary floor, and the shoring posts would hold up the concrete until it set. These posts supported the concrete until it could stand on its own.

Application: this is what it means to build up. It is supporting someone; to shore them up. Paul says we are to edify believers by building them up—by supporting them with words that build them up.

Life Principle: Attack the problem, not the person

Explanation: Now notice he says do not grieve the Holy Spirit. He’s saying here “don’t make the Holy Spirit upset or saddened by the way you treat other believers.” Rather build them up. Don’t treat believers in a way that would cause grief to the Spirit of God Who lives in you. Rather, build believers up. Support them. Speak to them in edification.

Application: How are you doing here? Who are you building up? Are you tearing down? Have you used what Paul calls corrupt speech? Are you relating to your church as a family; the way God wants you to? Or are you tearing down? Because believers must act like a family, we must endeavor to build them up and not tear them down.

Big idea: believers must act like a family

5)   Kindness (vs. 31-32)

Explanation: There’s a fifth pillar of godly church relations—kindness. We must be people of kindness when it comes to other believers. There’s a lot of unkindness in churches today. There are a lot of mean spirited, hurtful, spiteful people. Paul doesn’t want the church of the Ephesians, or our church, to end up like that. So he talks about kindness as a pillar of our Christian family. Look at what Paul tells us about kindness:

a. Put off of hurtful actions

Explanation: Paul tells us that in order to have kindness we must first put off hurtful actions.  Paul gives us a lengthy list of hurtful actions that we are to put off—they are to be put away from us. We don’t have time to give a large discussion on all of them, but let’s look here at what Paul says.

i. Bitterness

Bitterness is extreme wickedness or hatred. It is a heart that is turned against others in anger and contention. Bitterness is a big deal! It’s a refusal to think rightly about someone—the absence of a I Corinthians 13 type of love that believes all things and endures all things. Bitterness refuses that, and most of all, it refuses forgiveness. And bitterness is such a big deal because it traps us in time—we get stuck, and when we live in bitterness we stay stuck in that moment in time until we take care of that. Paul says this must be removed from you!

ii. Wrath

Explanation: Wrath is violent emotion. It’s eruption outbursts and explosions. You just boil inside until you explode.

Application: is this you? Are you the type of person who erupts at others in the church when things don’t go your way? You get yourself all in a tizzy when people step on your toes, or change something that you like, and you explode at them? I’ve seen people like this in churches. The hard part is that these types of people are often left to act like this, and people just kind of stay away or walk gingerly around them because “that’s just how they are.” And these people are just left to exist and never confronted with the words Paul writes here—put this away! It has no place here.

iii. Anger

Explanation: We already discussed anger. Here I think Paul means the sinful anger we already talked about.

Application: do you get angry at other believers? Do you get upset at them?

iv. Clamor

Explanation: Next Paul mentions clamor. Clamor is quarrelling. It’s just constant fighting and badgering one another. This type of person is always at someone, there’s always someone there are mad at or not getting along with.

Application: is this you? Are you always bickering with someone and you can’t seem to get along and work together? Paul says put this off.

v. Slander

Explanation: He mentions slander. Slander is any type of injuring speech. Sad to say, this is often present in churches. There are many forms of slander. Could be outright lying about someone. More often this is the type of person who goes behind people’s backs and whispers—you always see this person whispering and when you say “what are you talking about” they say “oh nothing.” This is so harmful in the church! Let me just say—it doesn’t matter if what you are saying is true. You may be conveying accurate information, but if it’s not done in the right way it’s wrong. More often than not we are just sharing things that are private issues or concerns and we have no business sharing them. Here’s a good rule of thumb for things like gossip and slander—if they other person wouldn’t like you sharing you probably shouldn’t share. We need to be so careful!

Application: Let me just say, you may not be the one whispering. But if you listen to someone say slanderous or damaging things and you don’t tell that person—“you need to do talk to him or her, I don’t want to hear it.” If you just listen and don’t shut them down, then you’re guilty too! You are facilitating and participating in their sin.

vi. Malice

Explanation: This is just flat out evil or wickedness. This is the person who loves to do evil to others. Ever meet someone like this? They’re poisonous! They take all the joy out of those around them. Perhaps it’s a teen who always picks on the younger kids, or maybe you are always doing harmful things to your siblings. Maybe you’re an adult and you just enjoy giving evil to someone or saying bad things about them. Paul says this should not be in the body of Christ!

b. Put on loving actions

Explanation: He gives us a whole list of loving actions which we are to put on. Look at what he talks about here:

i. Kindness

Explanation: a very simple synonym for being kind is being pleasant. We are to put off all these unrighteous ways of treating one another, and we are to be pleasant. Does this describe your relationship with everyone in the body?

ii. Tenderness

Explanation: he mentions tenderness. This is compassion. It’s a love for others that sees them and cares for them. You look out for them instead of tear them down. Do you do this?

iii. Forgiveness

Explanation: we’re not to get bitter at others, rather we’re to forgive them.

Do you have this type of compassion for your fellow Christians? Or are practicing hurtful actions?

Life Principle: Act, don’t react

Big idea: believers must act like a family

Conclusion

I close with the question I asked in the beginning: What wouldn’t you do for your family? I don’t mean your physical family, but your spiritual family. God cares about how we treat one another. We must treat them with the same love and care we would give to our spiritual family. Our church relationships must be marked by these qualities—honesty, passion, integrity, edification, and kindness. Does this describe your life? 

How about your other relationships?  The beauty of this text is that it isn’t just for our church relationships.  These same principles apply to any relationship in your life as well.  You can put these into practice anywhere!    

Big idea: believers must act like a family

Next Steps

•     Examine your relationships—take time to ask God to reveal where you have

•     Take care of  the damage—take care of any issues caused by your lack of Christlike character in your relationships

•     Commit to follow Jesus—commit to practicing these Scriptural guidelines in your relationships

Let’s act like a family in Christ!